Wednesday, April 14, 2004

A Dogs Life

On the same Saturday that I met Chi-ling, I saw 3 dogs "talking". (Smelling each others butts sounds so crass!) Two where in a nice large yard, the third an apparent stray in the neighborhood. This is what I imagined the conversation was like.

"Yea!!! The female human let us out! Let's run over there to the swing and chew the seat up. I have had about enough of the mini human pulling my ears! I'll show that little..!" Said King with excitement, wagging his tail.
"Now, now you know better than that!" Mr. Biggs interupted, "That is beneath us. Our masters have spent a lot of time grooming us, bathing us and training us, feeding us the best food, teaching us manners."
"Yes, you're right," King answered with a bit of disappointment, "How about a nice jog around the perimeter of the yard. That should help me take my mind off the mini human."
They both stretch their legs in preparation..
"Race ya!" King says to Mr. Biggs.
They take off, the older one determined to put the younger one in his place. About half way around the yard King stopped abruptly. "What's that smell?" King asked Mr. Biggs
"Smells disgusting to me." Mr. Biggs said.
"Hello, hey you guys." Came a voice.
"What was that?" King exclaimed.
"Well it wasn't me," Replied Mr. Biggs. "And we are the only dogs on this street."
"Hey, you two over there!" the voice said again.
King and Mr. Biggs looked around the yard for where the voice was coming from. At the far back corner of the fence there stood a large scruffy bit of a dog, tall, black, brown and tan, very muscular. They trot over to him.
"What are you guys up to?" said the Stray. "Wanna go over to Mrs. Browns with me and scare that cat? That Siamese thinks her poop don't stink, the 3 of us could really get her good!"
"We don't do that, we are yard dogs." Said Mr. Biggs.
"OK and that means what?" said the Stray.
"We don't DO that kind of thing, " said Mr.Biggs again. "We are better than that."
"Oh well, suit yourself," Stray said. "So after I go chase the cat I will come back and get you two and we can go roll in this great dead carcass I just spotted about a half a mile back."
"Why on earth would you want to do that?" King said wrinkling his nose.
"Why to be one with nature of course. It masks your scent, makes it easier to sneak up on your dinner!" Stray answered. "Then we can go over to Mr. Johnsons farm and raid his trash. Besides it being fun, he always has something good to eat in his trash, that human is so wasteful."
"We don't eat trash." Said Mr. Biggs with his nose in the air. "We eat only the best that money can buy, and are rewarded with rawhide treats and the occasional wet food in assorted flavors."
"WHAT?" Stray exclaimed. "You have never chased a rabbit for dinner? Never had the pleasure of stalking your next meal?"
"Oh God. Why should we reduce ourselves to that? Our masters do the hunting; they go off in that rolling thing over there and come back a little tired and bitchy but with a fine feast for us. Eat a rabbit? Yuck!" King said.
"Oh OK, just keep on eating your horse meat." Stray answered, rolling his eyes.
"Come on King, let's go. This guy is filling your head with nonsense. Horse meat, humph, you'll be having bad dreams and running in your sleep again, all hitting me on the head with your paws. You already bark in your sleep"
"But that sounds like fun Mr. Biggs." King turns to the stray, "What's your name anyway? My name is King and this is Mr. Biggs"
"See what you have done? You need to go on about your business. Next thing I know he will be trying to figure out how to jump the fence!" Mr. Biggs stated sternly.
Stray looks at King and says, "My name has been many things. The humans like to call me Getoutofhere Shoo. They usually ignore me until I try to bury some freshly caught dinner in their flowerbeds for a snack later. Then they yell out their name for me, "Getoutofhere Shoo!" That ground around the flowers is too soft to not take advantage of! Guess your friend here has never stopped to smell the roses." Stray cocks his head over at Mr. Biggs. "But I prefer the name my old bud George gave me when I was just a young one and he took me under his paws, teaching me all his skills. He gave me the name Rambler"
"Where is he now?" King asked.
"Come ON King, no need to listen to any of his stories. Besides he smells and I think I might lose my Alpo."
"What's up with Mr. Biggs?" questioned Rambler.
"Oh he is OK really. He doesn't mean anything by it, he is just trying to keep his eye on me. The humans had him 14 or so dog years before me." King stated.
"Well he needs to go mark his territory or something. Take a load off!" Rambler snorted.
"Say did I tell you about the hot little number about 3 blocks over? She is a woofer! I would love to smell her butt and get to know her a little better! Va Va Va Voom!"
Kings ears perked up, "OH! Tell me more."
Mr. Biggs said, "COME ON King."
Rambler laughed a small chortle. "Look, you gotta go. I'll drop back by the next time I am in the neighborhood and see if you two are out. I don't know how you do it all pinned up like you are, not enjoying nature."
"Well this is all we know," King said, "But we love it!"
Mr. Biggs jumped in, "Our lives are good. What's your point? Why are you filling Kings head full of crazy notions? We eat well, have a clean yard and a warm human container they share with us!"
"I have no point," Rambler said, "just feel sorry for you guys man, your missing life! The freedom to roam, eat as you please, stalk and scare a few things, meet a few babes."
Human voices.
"That's us Mr. Biggs." King said turning back to Rambler. "It was great talking to you! Come back when you can. If Mr. Biggs stays ruffled up about you I will try to sneak out and visit! Bye!"

No comments: