Mid Week

K..

We have had 4 days of only being able to eat this or that, intertwined with HNS shakes and or coffees..
The hub not me... the coffee SUCKS..
Now we have 3 days of lean meats and green veggies.. (All we can eat I might add!!!)
Not sure how this going to help me lose weight...

and a freakin quarter...

The hub and I have been wanting for some time to lose weight. No, this isn't about a New Years resolution, I didn't make one.
(figured I never kept any of the others why waste the effort!)
Anyway, the hub's son M started a diet last May and has virtually lost a whole person..
Due to his modesty and not wanting to jinx himself, he wouldn't tell us were he has going. no matter how we begged. Well this last Christmas he finally told us.
No I am not telling you...
at least not yet..
Anyway we had our first meeting with "B" yesterday. We asked questions, reviewed charts, looked at hour health records and such. We asked a shit load of questions..
(took 3 hours of "B"'s time)
We signed up..
So not the fun part... measurements..I won't gross you out with those details but we can all say, "It wasn't pretty"!
Then.(hear scary music here)
THE SCALES (echo, echo, echo)
I weighted 205.25
WTF
205 is bad enough but to have to go and throw in the POINT 2 5.... Gotta little salt there to shove in that wound!
Anyway, as we knew portions, amounts were fixing to be limited, (and some things forbidden right now) We promptly left the "Place of weight loss" and went next door to Subway.
Another irony..
Subway next to the "place of weight loss"....

Is It Me?

I just find this scary..and wrong in so many ways..

Friday's Funnies

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you, "says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted the twenty different puns on her blog, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh. No pun in ten did.

Friday's Funnies

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."

Creative Writing Challenge

I would like to try something new. Once a week, more than likely on Thursdays, I am going to post a creative writing challenge for myself. Give myself the weekend to work on it and post the results the following week. If the challenge so suits you, add it to your blog and also e-mail me when you post your results and I will place links to your creative writing results for all of us to share.

This week freeze a moment in time and describe in sensory vivid detail (5 senses).
First, write a paragraph about a memory in your life, “The First Day in America.” Now, focus in on a key moment- stepping off the plane. What did you hear, see, smell, feel, and/or taste?- …as I stepped off the plane the cold wind pinched my cheeks and a voice on the loud speaker sounded like he was telling everyone I had arrived… Relive that moment.


Go..............

Spoof on the Olympics

Cartoon spoof on the Olympics....

Click here:

Secrets

I really like this blog and the book version comes out now.
I will buy it when I find it.
I find this blog interesting although sometimes I feel like a voyeur on other peoples lives while reading it.
I find that kinda cool for some weird reason.
I want to send in my own postcard to it.
Peoples minds are so interesting......

Thanksgiving 2005

So I missed a Friday's Funny or 2.. WOW how time flies.

How was your turkey day?

Mine was great. The Hub has Pnemonia (sp) now. Go figure. We went to one of those walk in weekend clinics today. What a great invention! I remember when I was little, if you got sick on the weekend, you either suffered, or paid out your bleeep to get any relief. Needless to say, we suffered a lot! LOL

Anyway, now that I have instant grandchildren (another great invention) I take pleasure in teaching them the joys and wonders of life, like...

Rediwhip in the can...

Amanda wasn't to pleased with me, but oh well, that is my perogative..

Please click here on Flickr and enjoy!

Friday's Funnies

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
And when I spend his cash,
He not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows the answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Friday's Funnies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well-known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you choose) and at the end, look for your results. Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends (and me) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.


1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
(a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
(b) Fun/Theme park (2 pts.)
(c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
(d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
(e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)


2) What is your favorite type of music?
(a) Rock 'n Roll (2 pts.)
(b) Alternative (1 pt.)
(c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
(d) Country (5 pts.)
(e) Pop (3 pts.)


3) What type of movies do you prefer?
(a) Comedy (2 pts.)
(b) Horror (1 pt.)
(c) Musical (3 pts.)
(d) Romance (4pts.)
(e) Documentary (5 pts.)


4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
(a) Waiter (4 pts.)
(b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
(c) Teacher (3pts.)
(d) Police (2 pts.)
(e) Cashier (1 pt ..)


5) What do you do with your spare time?
(a) Exercise (5 pts.)
(b) Read (4 pts.)
(c) Watch television (2 pts.)
(d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
(e) Sleep (3 pts.)


6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?
(a) Yellow (1 pt.)
(b) White (5 pts.)
(c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
(d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
(e) Red (4 pts.)


7) What do you prefer to eat right now?
(a) Snow (3 pts.)
(b) Pizza (2 pts)
(c) Sushi (1 pt.)
(d) Pasta (4 pts.)
(e) Salad (5 pts.)


8) What is your favorite holiday?
(a) Halloween (1 pt.)
(b) Christmas (3 pts.)
(c) New Year (2 pts.)
(d) Valentine's Day (4 pts)
(e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)


9) If you could go to one of these places, which one would it be?
(a) Paris (4 pts.)
(b) Spain (5 pts.)
(c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
(d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
(e) Hollywood (3 pts.)


10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
(a) Someone smart (5 pts.)
(b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
(c) Someone who likes to party (1 pt.)
(d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
(e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)


Now add up your points, go to comments and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Please put who you are in the comments section! Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!

Friday's Funnies

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!



OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Friday's Funnies - part two of two

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Friday's Funnies - An Extra for Today

Friday's Funnies - part one of two

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:… "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Halloween Snack Mix

1/2 c. Wild Berries (Red Jelly Beans)
1/2 c. Owl Rings (Cheerios Cereal)
1/2 c. Colored Flies (M&M's)
1/2 c. Butterfly Wings (Fritos)
1/2 c. Cobwebs (Coconut)
1/2 c. Ants (Raisins)
1/2 c. Earth Worms (Chow Mein Noodles)
1/2 c. Squirrel nuts (Shelled Peanuts)
1/2 c. Bat Bones (Pretzels)
1/2 c. Bird Seed (Shelled Sunflower Seeds)


Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl. Makes 10 (1/2 c.) servings. A fun treat at Halloween time, thanksgiving time, or any time during the fall.

Friday's Funnies

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the nearest hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing the Lord, she asked, "Is My Time Up?" The Lord said, "No! You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look good. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of the Lord again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 some years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of That ambulance?"

The Lord replied, "Girrrlllll, I didn't even recognize You!"

Yankee Test

This is funny!

I scored:

83% (Dixie). Do you still use Confederate money?

Go figure, and moi being from Texas!

check it out!

Friday's Funnies

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.